The ISIS Solution

Problems we haven’t had before call for solutions we haven’t thought of before.

Boots-ThumbFact number one: most in the Middle East would be happy to never see an American again. They’d rather have their heads on a post than see an Okie outside the mosque.

Fact number two: we’re going there anyway. To bring peace or at least keep the oil flowing by erasing ISIS from the surface of the planet and the caves beneath it.

Clearly, we can destroy a lot of Toyotas and keep the black-flag and tunic printers busy just by sending in the jets. There’s nothing like an A-10 or Predator to spoil the beheading and scatter tiny terrorist testicles all across the desert.

The problem is the ‘boots on the ground’ factor. There’s a growing agreement in Congress that we need troops running from house to house handing out candies to kids while at the same time emptying AK47 shells into their parents. It’s what we’ve always done and the fact that it’s never worked shouldn’t change the script.

The familiar slow ramp-up is to send in ‘advisors.’ So many of them that you have to wonder how much advice a person or a country can absorb while being marched to a ledge over a river to be shot in the head. If we aren’t putting boots on the ground, we are at least putting slippers on the sand dunes.

Whatever. The pattern will be the same. A lot of young guys from here will die and the mess they leave in the process will be nothing compared to the one they leave for the people they were sent to help and save.

With ISIS, it gets even more problematic. The bloodthirsty bastards are based in Syria, where we have no friends and no idea which enemies are worse.

So how can we put ‘boots on the ground’ in Syria without our kids losing their heads or re-arming an ISIS disguised as good Muslims?


Recruit mercenaries from our own right-wing ranks. Offer Ted Nugent’s hillbilly pals cash for a new trailer and the opportunity to take the AR15 for a walk to pump countless high-calibre rounds into sub-human flesh. Sarah Palin and Wayne LaPierre can finally give the NRA an outlet outside of elementary schools and the multiplex in the mall. Edgy cops from Ferguson and across the land can vent their rage on people who are actually armed and dangerous.

Send the cash-for-carnage troops in under the command of John McCain and Lindsey Graham. Let them go first, so the sight of their heads on posts can inspire the mobs from Mobile.

Question: who writes the cheque for this rag-tag but determined army of NASCAR and country music fans?

Answer: the same large corporations that have vested interests in the Middle East. You know: Cheney’s crowd, whose sole interest is in keeping the oil flowing as fast as the blood.

This is an awesome plan that puts sophisticated weaponry in the hands of warriors who really are on our side. And without dipping into the taxpayer’s pocket. Why haven’t our so-called leaders thought of it? What the Hell do we pay them for?

Plan Bonus:

Many who go will not return, thereby greatly reducing the problem here at home after the desert dust has settled.

Thank you for your service, indeed.

9 years ago

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