I’m starring at an empty rack at the local convenience store and wondering.

How can the 7-Eleven run out of beef jerky? Did the Oberto’s and Buffalo Bill’s trucks collide at the intersection up the street? Was there some kind of beef with the Cattlemen’s Association? This is bad, and there are no surrogate snacks. Neither pork rinds nor M&Ms can fill the void left by dried beef saved from rotting by more than a quarter of the recommended daily allowance of salt. And then I see the sign. “Ask for beef jerky at the counter.”

Okay. So beef jerky has joined cigarettes and alcohol as a “must show ID” item? I pull out my driver’s licence and walk to the checkout. “Do you have beef jerky?” Indeed they do. “What kind do you want?” Now I’m into picking manufacturers and faced with a choice that ranges from peppered to spicy hot with bubblegum waiting in the wings. Turkey jerky, salmon jerky, veggie jerky on the way.

The thing is that beef jerky people are particular. They like their dead meat not only tasty but textured and formed in a certain way. Some prefer identical little squares. Others take more of a mixed nuts approach, looking for a package that offers a variety of shapes, sizes and thicknesses. The point is that you can’t make a wise jerky purchase without seeing the goods!

“But I can’t see the jerky,” I protest. “How can I make an informed decision if I can’t see what I’m buying?” The clerk shakes her head. “Theft. Too much theft. People steal jerky all the time.” Suddenly it makes sense. At thirty dollars a pound, a package of months-old dried beef is about twice the price of a good steak. As the demand for jerky continues to jump, it can only get worse. It’s just a matter of time before jerky theft makes the front page. I can see it now:

“Two die in jerky shoot-out.”

“Thieves who hijacked a Jack Links truck bound for Safeway stores in San Francisco were met by a beefed-up SWAT Team as they approached the Golden Gate Bridge at about 7am this morning. Commuters stampeded for cover as the dead meat criminals engaged in a violent confrontation that killed both thieves and wounded three officers. A ton of jerky consisting of Teriyaki, Original and new Pineapple Mango was unharmed except for being from dead cows.”

Thank God for licorice allsorts.